Edward Excercises Chivalry

Millions of Americans are living without health insurance, while grandstanding Washington bureaucrats haggle over nonentities. President Obama’s decision to send 30,000 troops into Afghanistan has divided Americans and seemed to please no one.

Carbon emissions continue to increase global warming, and the major world superpowers do nothing. Iran defiantly declared it will continue with its goal toward attaining nuclear power, while the Middle East and U.S. stare on helplessly. The world seems to be in a crisis mode, yet the news outlets seem to be covering these fad stories.

However, the paramount debate now is maybe the biggest problem to vex the world in decades: Team Edward vs. Team Jacob.

Of course all intelligent and mature citizens have painstakingly judged each on their redeeming personality traits over this past fall. Obviously, any person who has meticulously researched this conflict as much as I have and evaluated each character on his own merits, have come to the clear conclusion that Edward is vastly superior to Jacob.

Why? Because he’s just better.

Stephenie Meyer has created quite possibly one of the best works of literature in the English language with the “Twilight” series. The writings of Shakespeare, William Faulkner and Mark Twain pale in comparison to this renowned piece of fiction.

Through her intricate and mind-blowing plot lines, Meyer has pitted two dynamic characters, Jacob and Edward, against one another. The spoil of this epic battle is the proverbial damsel in distress: Bella. Edward, a modern-day Hamlet and a vampire, first won her heart, but Jacob, a fierce werewolf, has ferociously been trying to win over Bella.

In short, Edward has all the qualities a girl could want in a guy, while Jacob only reminds women of a good friend. You know who usually wins out in these situations.

For all things cinema and literature-related, one must go to Wikipedia.org. This encyclopedia states Edward is a “monstrous tragic hero.” In comparison, Jacob only gets described as a “family friend.”

Meyer’s earth-shattering prose makes it quite clear vampires serve a much better purpose than werewolves. Vampires can control themselves, yet werewolves are extremely hairy. Imagine No-Shave-November, but every other month as well.

Astonishingly, neither Sparknotes.com nor Cliffnotes.com provides substantial literary criticism to better our understanding of this grand debate.

Also disappointing is the absence of an in-depth analysis by two major movie critics, Epert and Roper. Nevertheless, Team Edward doesn’t need reassurance from any outside sources to tell us who is better. Team Jacob pathetically thinks the werewolf will win out.

To concisely capture this debate one must think of it like this: Edward is Michael Beasley, Jacob is Luis Colon. Or for the nonsports fan, Edward is the type of gentleman who lays down his coat for random strangers in the rain and Jacob probably steals money from the collection plate at your local church.